


be the breath i need

by jbhmalum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26012398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum
Summary: "The air coming from the open door is hot and the AC doesn’t seem to be working and he’s wearing a shirt that’s way too thick for the middle of July, but Luke knows it’s not what’s causing his breath to catch in his throat and his heart to pound in his chest."*or: Luke has a panic attack in a coffee shop.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 26
Kudos: 69





	be the breath i need

**Author's Note:**

> helloo i'm very sorry for this and it's probably incoherent this is basically a retelling of what happened to me like a month ago (except it didn't happen at a coffee shop but yeah)  
>  **TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACKS** honestly this is all this fic is lashton isn't the focal point at all so if this triggers you you might not want to read that one.

Luke can’t breathe.

The man in front of him is almost done ordering his coffee, which means it’s almost his turn, but Luke is frozen on his spot because he _can’t breathe_.

The air coming from the open door is hot and the AC doesn’t seem to be working and he’s wearing a shirt that’s way too thick for the middle of July, but Luke knows it’s not what’s causing his breath to catch in his throat and his heart to pound in his chest.

It’s stupid, is what it is. Luke is just being his stupid self and it’s all his fault.

The day started well enough. It’s Thursday, which means it’s his day off, and Luke woke up at ten after a well deserved night’s rest. He cooked himself breakfast, remembered to do his laundry (his mom will be so proud when he tells her), heated up some pasta for lunch, facetimed Michael, then relaxed and listened to his favourite music. He felt okay. Well, okay for him.

He was still feeling okay when he entered the small coffee shop down the road from his apartment at five pm, and he was still feeling okay when he started waiting in the queue.

Luke likes this place. He comes here everyday with a book or his laptop and settles next to the window at the back where he can look out at the city life. The place is quiet and warm, the dark wooden walls giving it a homey feel, the background music not too loud. Luke feels safe here.

Except right now he doesn’t.

Right now he _can’t breathe_ , because he can’t find his wallet, and he knows for sure he took it with him because he always does, he put it in his back pocket ten minutes ago. Which means it got stolen, and he doesn’t have a lot of cash but his credit card is in there, and _oh my god_ he’s so stupid he doesn’t need to bring a credit card to buy one cursed coffee. He can’t even buy it anymore because he doesn’t have his wallet because some guy bumped into him on the sidewalk but he didn’t think anything of it because it was crowded. Five pm in LA, someone was bound to bump into him at some point, but the guy clearly stole his wallet and he’s gonna use Luke’s credit card and Luke isn’t gonna have any money left and he’s gonna get kicked out of his apartment and-

“Hey, you okay Luke?”

Fuck. He’s interrupted in his panicked thoughts by Daisy, the barista. He can’t respond to her. Luke’s head is spinning, he _can’t breathe_ except he can because he’s breathing so heavily the whole city can probably hear him and his strangled sobs. He hadn’t even realized he was crying, but now he can feel the wetness on his cheeks and he can taste salt as he runs his tongue over his trembling lips.

He searches for Daisy again, but he realizes the man in front of him is gone, which means it’s his turn to order but he can’t. He fucked up and he has no money anymore – oh his mom is not going to be happy about _that_ – and the line behind him is long. It’s only like four people but it’s long for this coffee shop and it’s five pm, people probably want to go home after work and Luke is being a nuisance, again, and he can’t fix it.

His heart starts beating faster as if trying to escape from his chest, his palms are sweaty and there’s this tingly feeling he hates so much around his mouth, which has no business being this dry considering how much he’s crying. He wants the ground to swallow him up and never spit him out again, but the universe is not working in his favor. He can feel the stares, confused and judging, but he can’t blame them because he’s a mess and he’s making so much noise and he’s blocking the goddamn queue.

He needs to move, to tell Daisy he has to go, but he can’t. He can’t, he can't, he can’t. She’s frowning, she looks worried and he’d like to tell her it’s okay but it’s not and he’s stuck right here, his feet not connected to his brain anymore. He feels like he’s about to pass out, vision blurring around the edges and ears buzzing. 

“Luke?” he hears again, but the voice is foreign to him. He doesn’t know this man, how does he know Luke’s name? _Fuck_.

“Luke?” the guy repeats as he appears in front of him. Luke would probably lose his mind over how pretty he is if he weren’t so close to dying. He can make out a mop of blond-ish curly hair, pale skin and clear eyes. He can’t tell the color just yet. “Luke? That’s what she called you, right?”

Luke nods. That makes sense, he vaguely remembers Daisy asking him if he was okay and calling out his name a few times.

The guy bends down for a moment, picks up the book Luke probably dropped in his panic but he doesn’t ask him to give it back, the world is spinning, his head dizzy and he doesn’t think he could articulate any thought anyway.

“I’m Ashton,” he says as he gets back up, voice soft but firm, as if to catch Luke’s attention. Luke can see Daisy make a sign from the corner of his eye and then people are walking up to the counter from behind him. He blinks slowly, tries to focus on Ashton when he goes on. “How about you come take a seat, yeah?”

Honestly, sitting down is the least of Luke’s worries right now, but he lets himself be guided on shaky legs to a table holding a laptop and an empty cup of coffee. Right. Ashton’s table.

He’s still trembling and his head has started pounding from all the crying as Ashton sits him down in the plump chair but he feels a bit more present. Just a little. He doesn’t think it’s such a good thing though, he’s just more aware of his empty pockets and the coffee he won’t be drinking.

He feels more than sees Ashton sitting beside him, his hands rubbing Luke’s shoulder. He hopes he can’t feel his erratic heartbeat there, he’ll think Luke is crazy. Why doesn’t he think that already? Why is he sitting him down and whispering “you’re okays” and why does Luke not feel threatened under his worried but knowing gaze? A stranger just stole his belongings, he shouldn’t let another one touch him like that.

He vaguely hears Ashton talking him though how to breathe, and he tries to follow but now he’s second guessing this. This table is on the opposite side of the one he usually sits at, and it’s closer to the counter so it’s less secluded and _people are probably still looking_ and Luke feels overwhelmed and confused. Nothing is familiar and his breath hitches and his hands are clutching the edge of the table and where is Michael when he needs him?

Michael knows how to help him. He’s been dealing with him for years, and even though Luke doesn’t think it’s fair to Michael and that he would be better off without him, Luke’s glad he’s there for him. He usually talks him down, tells him stupid stuff about his favourite video games to make Luke focus on something else.

“Luke, look at me,” he hears before he feels warm hands cup his jaw and his face is being turned and he has no choice but to obey Ashton’s command. From up close, he sees Ashton’s eyes are not as clear as he thought – or maybe the lighting isn’t as good over here – but are a deep, mesmerizing hazel. Luke wants to set residence there, away from his spiraling thoughts. It’s not a good idea, and part of Luke wants to get away from Ashton’s grip, so close to his neck, but he doesn’t.

For some reason Ashton feels safe. He’s looking straight through Luke’s eyes and into his soul, whispering things Luke can’t process, like his only purpose is to save Luke from drowning. From himself. Luke doesn’t think he’ll succeed, no one has yet, but he still feels like Luke’s saving grace at the moment, and he clings to it like a lifeline.

Luke moves one trembling hand to Ashton’s chest, makes an effort to match his breathing pattern to Ashton’s, because he knows it’s what he has to do, what Michael would tell him to do. He thinks Ashton might have told him as well, but his brain is too blinded by the sheer panic that’s taken over him to really hear what he’s saying. 

It takes a while, because each time Luke starts to breathe a little more steadily his mind clears and he notices everything around him. The people coming in and out of the coffee shop. The stupid pop song on the radio that is way too loud for his liking. The white noise of the AC which _does_ work, as it turns out. His book on the table, next to the laptop. Ashton saying “you’re okay” and “you can do this” over and over again. His empty pockets. It’s all too much for him to comprehend, senses overwhelmed, so he ends up sobbing again, and he has to do it all once more.

It’s almost as exhausting as the attack itself, but Ashton helps him through it, his hands never leaving Luke’s face except once or twice to run one through Luke’s curls, damp from sweat. Until finally, after many pop songs have passed, Luke is finally able to get his bearings.

“Are you with me yet?” Ashton asks, inspecting Luke’s glassy eyes. Luke nods.

“I think so. I’m not- it could go again though, sorry-”

“Hey,” Ashton cuts him off, “it’s okay if that happens. Just breathe. Here”

Ashton takes a bottle of water out of his bag, and Luke gladly brings it to his mouth with shaky hands.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just- I lost my wallet. I think someone stole it from me. It was stupid, I overreacted, sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong.”

He rubs Luke’s arms again, frowning at him. Now that Luke’s not out of it as much he feels a bit unsteady under Ashton’s caring gaze, so he tries not to look him in the eyes.

“Did you have a credit card in there?”

“Yes, oh god, I’m gonna have no money left-”

“Luke, stop panicking, it’s okay. We just need to call your bank, we can block the card, alright?”

Luke just looks at him, mouth agape, because _of course_. Why didn’t he think of that before? He can’t believe he needed a stranger to tell him this.

They put Luke’s phone on speaker and together they call the bank and successfully block Luke’s card, which thankfully hasn’t been used yet. Luke lets out a long breath of relief, almost cries from it, and throws himself at Ashton.

“Oh,” Ashton whispers, surprised, but he wraps his arms around Luke’s middle in return. Luke thinks maybe it’s a bit inappropriate, hugging a man he doesn’t know without asking out here in his favorite coffee shop, but it feels right. He’s sure Ashton can feel his heartbeat that’s still going a bit too fast against his own chest, but for the most part Luke is more steady than he was a few minutes ago, even if his eyes are most likely red and puffy and his face tear stained.

“Thank you for helping me with… with everything, really,” Luke says, breaking the hug, hand lingering on Ashton’s shoulder. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I’m glad I did, it was breaking my heart seeing you like that.”

“But you don’t know me.”

“I felt like I did.”

Luke blushes, stutters his way through an answer. Ashton lets out a little laugh at Luke’s awkwardness before taking pity on him and cutting him off, a soft smile on his face.

“I don’t _actually_ know you, though, and I feel like that’s a shame.”

“It is,” Luke replies without thinking, but the anxiety at saying something this forward doesn’t surge, and he’s glad. It is a shame, and he would very much like to get to know the other boy as well. Ashton smiles bigger, gently wipes Luke’s tears with his thumbs, before looking away and reaching into his bag, taking out his own wallet.

“Let me buy your coffee, yeah? Then you can relax. And we can talk.”

He looks at Luke with bright eyes, waiting for Luke’s approval, and Luke can only nod, smiling at him in return.

He stares at Ashton dazedly while he’s waiting at the counter, and thinks that maybe a stolen wallet is not the worst thing that could have happened to him.

**Author's Note:**

> as always I'm on tumblr [@jbhmalum](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jbhmalum) if you fancy having a chat


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